old made new times two

i think i wrote these in 2004. a sad depressed girl was i.


an empty room
finds no comfort in sunlight
shadows give warmth
they are real
light blinds the truth
that darkness holds

________

endless patterns
turn blue
then fade
into oblivion
similarity
makes life
less complicated

ignorance
in simplicity
is an endless grid
of repetition that
never finds the surface
of originality
creativity drowns
as eyes only glance
downward

gazing at cornfields
from the passenger seat
i saw
unobstructed views of fading farmhouses
and never understood the beauty of
cracking wood and weathered exteriors
until today
when my eyes were opened to truth



___


the sound a slide projector makes
as each slide advances
brings me back to memories of
soft white carpet
(click)
the smell of grandmas perfume
(click)
the underside of a wooden chair
(click)
warm whispers into cousins ears
(click)
stories of the past
(click)
glimpses into the future
(click)
a blind man viewing slides told through
his granddaughters description of what she sees on the screen
and what he sees in his mind

you don't know me (at all)

music makes it all better. the twinkle of ben's piano, the breathy whisper that comes out of regina's mouth is to die for.

there are two kids possibly on a date sitting by me at kopi. the reason for me thinking they are on a date is because they are discussing movies and trying to one up each other with their smarts. it's really hilarious to watch. i've already interjected once by telling them that david lynch directed northern exposure. now i'm trying not to listen to them.

a friend of mine has started to blah-ag (blog, as i like to say it out loud) and his writing astonds me. i wish i had the capacity to write short fiction. i feel like my writings always take a turn for sadness or the mundane. also the reality that writing online is so cliche now, i may as well write what i like instead of try to fit a mold that is undefined.

my neighborhood is jumping tonight. it's so great to live in such a lively part of the city.

this might not be entirely accurate but read it anyways

i was at "dinner" tonight, aka appetizers and since one glass of wine makes me drunk i loudly said 'is that the bulls theme' thinking it was the overhead music when it actually was someones ringtone. the guy got up, pointed to his phone and walked out. when we were leaving, he didn't even say goodbye.

the nerve.

in other news, the muppet was not there but our server, who i think is named SAUL told us a hilarious story about his wife and her outrage at not having honey mustard salad dressing because it comes in a bottle, god damnit. he actually came back and told us another story about a southern couple who got a side salad instead of a dinner salad and the wife explained it by saying 'maybe you get a side salad with your dinner salad here."

i love third coast.

so many minutes wasted staring at the future

why is it that when i am in my car, i think no one can hear me? or maybe i've never noticed until recently how loudly i sing. tonight i was almost home and was belting out some kate nash when two people waiting for a bus started applauding me as i hit an instrumental interlude. i shook my fist at them in a sign language i love you and drove away wondering if they thought i had gave them the finger. i've had people yell at me from cars ' you go girl' but the best was when a guy told me he'd vote for me on american idol. the one thing this country actually cares about.

i live alone and sometimes the noises at night keep me awake. it's not that i'm scared i'm just hyper aware of good or bad noises. but the happiness i feel living in the city is overwhelming to me. my apartment and i are in a serious committed relationship and i've never been more in love.

since i moved here, i was reunited with 3/4 of my belongings which were in storage for 3 years. i have been enjoying reading old notes from friends when i was in fifth grade and love letters from the not too distant past. i cried reading one because of the feeling that bubbled up in me from thinking about how in love i was and how unresolved i feel about the love lost.

ah memories. i can't wait to open up my house to my friends sometime in september. i'm finally feeling like i have a space of my own.

too much

ok i'm going a little crazy with the busy lately. this is what i have to figure out/do in the next month:

1. best friend wedding this coming weekend, i am wedding coordinator.
2. moving aug 1 back into the city. and i need to basically pack and figure out all minutia by the end of this week because i'm swamped next week with LIFE.
3. work is moving locations and i am on the move team.
4. had to cancel a weekend retreat and now need to figure out small events to appease the sadness of the cancel.


but i did buy a new digital camera this weekend and it's cute and small and much better than my other dig which is dead because of a fall and i think 4 years old. which is basically 500 years old in dog-technology years.

melvin

the rain held off until today.

my legs are aching from the sunburn i got on thursday. i don't think my skin is designed to be colored.

over this past week, i went on a mission trip with some of my kids. we were joined by 3 other churches. i think these sort of situations can always be hit or miss. there may be one or two kids (or adults) who just don't fit into the community but i am so happy to say that we all seemed to really jell the first night. i always find myself on the cusp of riding the divide between the youth and adults. in some cases, i am closer in age to the youth than the adults and i feel occasional tension or lack of connection but that certainly wasn't the case this week. i tried to distance myself from my kids and focus on looking to make connections elsewhere. i don't ever want to make my group into it's own bubble and that didn't really seem to happen this week.

i realized how much i miss working at camp (although it was 8 years ago this summer i started my last year). i love the freedom you feel in a group of people who accept you for your talents and downfalls and really support you for the person you are rather than the person you are trying to be. you would think that by this time in my life i would be completely straight about embracing my own talents but i find that i only shine in certain situations and this past week seemed to be one of them.

i always think that as a leader, i'd be the one doing the teaching but every time, i am the one who learns more about myself, about relationships that i have and about relationships people have with each other. although it was not a technical vacation for me, i feel completely rejuvinated and ready to keep moving forward to my goal of...well the goal is still fuzzy but the factors to reach said goal are becoming more clear.

i really thank everyone i met this past week. there were definetely two people who stood out the most for me and someday i'll really thank them for making the moments we spent together so powerful for me. but for now, i'll just send them positive energy and hope that one day we can all be in a magical space together.

sell all my things

well. i agree with laura, i should have taken the pinata. i would have named it some bland name like lois or kip. regrets, regrets.

mk and i decided today that i'm dating evil. or should i say Evil. no, not an actual person but the personification of all things bad. and how i love my new boyfriend.

i've also been listening to the same three songs for the past 4 hours. they are sad, sappy girl songs. i'm in a slump.

ALSO:

music


AND

movie

you are welcome.

maybe if i post once a month i can start there and work my way up to posting once a week and then once a day.

where does the time go?

i've realized that i do a lot of my most serious thinking when i'm driving either to work or from work. i zone out, if i'm not singing, and brainstorm. lately it's been about moving or graduate school or the service that my kids are doing at church for mothers day. it's always something.

i went to a delish mexican resty for cinco de mayo but the highlight came when i realized that all these kids were getting pinatas and i wanted one. so i asked my waiter if they were just for kids. he said yes which i immediately replied to by saying "oh well my daughter would love one! she's at home". he got excited and said that they only had 4 left and since there were 3 kids in the restaurant, he guessed i could take one home. i then felt guilty and insisted that i didn't get one. but as i saw one of the real kids strapping her 3 foot tall pinata into her family's car, i got a little jealous.

who lies about having children? obviously me.